Recently, I failed a very important exam. Not only did it catch me very much on surprise, but since it was the final exam it also had quite some consequences for the plans I had for my future. I don’t need to outline how miserable I felt at the beginning…
This is the moment when I wanted to be left alone while also not wanting to feel alone. The time when I wanted someone to help me while also stubbornly rejecting suggestions. When I wanted people to ask how I am, feel with me and my situation, but I also did not want to tell the embarrassing, devastating story to everyone. When I needed my family and their support the most but was also annoyed by it. When I knew I needed help but I also hesitated to ask for help. When I my thoughts were circling only around problems and I knew I needed a break, but simultaneously I could not really take a break because I felt under constant time pressure to get things done.
Probably most of you will know these conflicting feelings and thoughts. I am not the nicest person in such a situation, I have to admit.
And still my family was bearing with me in this time. They did not call me out on my bad mood but were silently bearing it. They left me in peace during the day to let me do the work I had to do for dealing with my re-exam. They gave suggestions and encouraged me to ask for help, even though I did not always want to hear it from the beginning. They continued with well-meant suggestions that sticked to my mind until I eventually accepted them. They did not paint an illusionary picture where everything would be alright, but asked questions to assess my realistic options.
And there were friends who were there for me when I needed support from people outside of the family circle. Friends I could talk to, to assess the reasons for my failure. Friends who helped me incredibly with their time and knowledge with my re-exam. Friends who were there for me to just talk and laugh and enjoy some good company in between the hours of work and negative thoughts. Friends who shared my faith and who I could talk to the best about our situation.
Also my colleagues at work belong to my friends— they showed a lot of sympathy and gave me the time and quiet that I needed to manage next to my work also the workload for university.
I can feel the tears just writing this down, because I’m so incredibly thankful for having such people in my life, who I will support the same way if they need me. I hope they know that I love and need them more than I can express in words these days.